Top Five Reasons to Head to Kentucky

     5. To visit The Colonel and his fried chicken.

     4. To go to The Louisville Slugger Factory and see how they get their wood to 

          shine (for some reason the wives are really excited about this tour).

     3. Go shadow box on the sidewalk in front of Muhammad Ali’s house.

     2. Take a walk through the smallest hall of fame in the country, The Kentucky 

         Dentist Hall of Fame (nice tooth!)

     1. Oh yeah and maybe go to The Derby and watch a horse named, I’ll Have 
         Another compete in the most exciting two minutes of horse racing.

Top Five LEAST Effective Horse Chatter in the Starting Gate

     5. “Hey Mr. Ed heard you have a problem with the old Guinness bottle.”
     4. “Don’t act like you don’t like that assistant starter putting his tongue in your ear.”
     3. “I heard your dad was gelded after your birth.”
     2. “You look like you did a 50 yard dash in a 40 yard arena.”
     1. “Don’t be checking out my rear end when I pass you.”

Top Five Signs You’re Having a Good Sunday

     5. You show up to church and you aren’t locked out (and the priest doesn’t single
         you out this time).    
     4. The paper boy throws the neighbor's newspaper on YOUR driveway (who
         needs to pay for a subscription?).
     3. When you call the Racing Office to enter your horse and they say, “The race is
         going to go with a 5 horse field.”
     2. When you wake up in your own bed and know where your car is.
     1. When it DOESN’T take 1 ½ hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Top Five Headlines That Would Start a Panic at the Racetrack

     5. Team O’Neill plans on doing daily updates SEVEN days a week.

     4. Rental Man to become the new paddock judge.

     3. Rollback on 1964 hotdogs to 1964 prices.

     2. Steve Rothbum slated to drive the Santa Anita barn tour bus.

     1. New state law requires a colonoscopy to be given to every patron cashing a

         winning ticket.